The Wonderful World Of Odd

When the lights go out and the sappy love songs start, I know I'm in trouble. But tonight I need to wallow in what might very well be my own special brand of masochism. Why am I purposely torturing myself?

One: Because I can.

Two: Because sometimes the ability to hurt in the deepest darkest places of ourselves gives us hope; if I can hurt, I can love.

Odd? Yes. But then again, that's the name of the game, isn't it?


And what exactly am I hurting over, you ask? Why, unrequited love of course. Didn't you know? Everyone is. It's the new old fad of the 21st century. A big deep pit dug into the center of everything. And as much as I hate conforming to what's considered the 'norm' and 'usual', I just had to go and fall prey to that ugly thing called Love.

Ick.

Just saying it makes me queasy. Though... not in the 'I'm about to toss my cookies, run for cover!' kind of way. More like a very unappealing mix of anxiety, guilt, and that horrible emotion I mentioned before. You know the one. The four letter devil that starts with the letter H and ends in E. Oh come on... you're going to make me spell it out for you, aren't you? I knew it! You are! Well too bad, you can just scroll back up. (Blows a raspberry in your direction.)

Now that that tiny bit of childishness is out of the way...

Have you ever had the misfortune of liking someone the moment you laid eyes on them? It sucks. No matter how much you wish you could just shrug it off and act like any normal human being would when confronted with the simple greeting of 'Hey', you eventually end up either tripping all over yourself or turning into the poor guy/girl's worst nightmare.

I... kind of did both.

So now, not only am I labeled under the description of 'Annoying Younger Sibling', but I can't fix the situation without appearing to be even more of a spaz than I already am. It's like a time paradox. Only slightly less confusing. I think. Maybe. Oh hell...

But the worst part is yet to come. For not only do I have the bad luck of now being in love with this person... it's become the kind of love you can't possibly reason with. Total and complete unconditional love. GAH!!!

It's not romantic, or sexual, or brotherly/sisterly, or friendly, or angry, or mother/fatherly, or happy, or joy full, or sad, or envious, or greedy, or gentle, or kind, or anything else that can be listed under such conditions.

But it's also all of the above.

It's every kind of love imaginable and yet nothing that can be described by human thoughts or words. The kind of love that makes God forgive us our every fault; that moves mountains. The kind of love that eventually builds and destroys every kingdom ever seen on Earth and gently woos us to sleep in our mother's arms. The kind of love that both terrifies and intrigues us. It's what we live and die for.


I've found such a love... and now I have to live with the fact I'll never be able to tell them about it. I can't. Ever. To do so would be to forfeit whatever tiny bit of them I can actually claim for myself and only me.

Oh man... they'd freak. Or worse.

And so I'll keep my peace and continue on playing my sappy love songs. Shedding a tear or two while I sing in one heck of an off-kilter voice. (Dogs howl in the background, apparently unappreciative of my heartfelt attempt at making the world deaf.)

Yeah, I need a new hobby. So sue me.